This is probably my most face-palmiest adventure ever. I don't even know where to begin. So much went wrong that it actually reached the point of absurdity and became hilarious. This is like "The Room" of forbidden tourism, which I guess makes me the Tommy Wiseau of adventurers. I can live with that, but what I really, really want is to relive this day, but with a laugh track, and throw in some kind of injury too. It would be fantastic.
We had a long journey ahead of us, people over slept, equipment broke, and when we got there, there were builders to contend with. Nevertheless we persevered. Here's the Crystal Maze!
Okay, so this is a pretty bleak photo to follow up from a statement as exciting as "Here's The Crystal Maze." Just trust me on this, okay?
I had to get the exterior shot from Streetview, since we really didn't have the opportunity to get one ourselves. When we did get here, there was a van parked up, and a couple of guys were working on boarding up the windows. Make no mistake though- this place is much bigger than it looks. The building extends pretty far back. As such, we were pretty confident that we could find a way in around the back, but we'd have to be sneaky.
Approaching from the back, we decided at first to check out the out-buildings, which were highly indicative of providing accommodation at some point. I did wonder at first if maybe they allowed visitors to stay here, but the theme park fixtures and merch that litters the building would imply that it was used by the staff.
In regards to the building itself, it was originally a motel, until the 1990s when it was obtained by a nearby theme park which itself opened in 1987. They converted the motel into an arcade and bowling alley, which later began hosting a commercial version of the Crystal Maze.
Here's a sign for a ride called Speed. This roller coaster is 115 feet tall, and is allegedly the fastest, tallest and steepest roller coaster in Wales. It opened in 2006, although why the entrance sign is on this bed is a mystery to me.
The kitchen still looks like its in use, but it's been a few years since any of this was occupied.
The lounge is a bit of a mess, but not exactly trashed. It seems that the Crystal Maze itself attracted the most attention and most visitors bypass the outbuildings entirely. Not us though. For starters, I'm a completionist, and in addition to that, we were trying to be stealthy, and these little out-buildings provided the perfect locations to watch the movements of the men boarding up the place.
An anti-queue jumper sign is here. But again, I have no idea why it's here and not at the theme park itself. More importantly, why can't Greggs have a sign like this???
It's looking so far like a generic derelict house, perhaps lived in by someone who collects theme park signs, but trust me, the Crystal Maze is around here somewhere, and we're closing in.
The house has a garage, and a means of accessing the attic.
This calendar is for 2008, which is indicative of when this place was last stayed in.
Up in the attic we found all kinds of old theme park signs, like Nutty Jake's Fudge.
I'd make a joke about that, but let's face it, you've already made it in your head.
Nutty Jakes Goldmine was an attraction at the theme park. However, it closed in 2000 and was converted into Brer Rabbits Burrow in 2001. Evidently this bungalow is just a dumping ground for all the old stuff thats no longer relevant.
It's kinda cool though. Here are the last remnants of something that has been lost, still here to be found in the attic of a derelict bungalow outside a derelict arcade.
There are loads of old photos up here too!
This mug is merchandise for a ride called Megafobia, 85 feet tall and considered one of the best roller coasters in Europe. It was constructed in 1996 and was instrumental in transforming the theme park from a small family leisure park to a major UK attraction. It still stands to this day.
I guess this mug was merchandise for the long-gone Nutty Jake.
Moving on from this house, we checked out a couple of static caravans which, again, I assume were used to provide accomodation for the staff. They've seen better days.
Someone has left their socks here.
The shower is pretty filthy.
These caravans are not beyond hope though. A little TLC will make them pretty cosy. We moved on, finally making our way to the main building, but finding every means of entry blocked. There was a cool little boat though!
As we snuck around the side of the building, we spotted an opening, and headed for it. At that exact moment, two workmen came trotting around the building, still loading up their van, and they would have seen us, had we not ducked behind this tank.
It was terrifyingly exciting! They were stood roughly about where this photo was taken from, with the three of us crouching behind the tank while they discussed what they were going to do next. To our horror, they actually spoke about removing this tank, and if they had come just a few steps closer they would have seen us.
Fortunately, luck was on our side. The workmen went away, and we finally made our way inside the main attraction.
I assume this is the staff area, where they'd swarm on break time and gossip.
There's this small room which has some oddly whimsical teddy bear decor.
And then theres this larger room. It's empty, but it has a bowling ball depicted on the window.
Of course, the fun begins downstairs, but first, check out this bathroom!
I'm not sure why the staff area would have a bath, but I guess it makes sense if we go with the theory that staff stayed here on occasion.
It's still in better condition than the toilets in some pubs and nightclubs.
Thankfully downstairs things get more factual and less speculative. The Crystal Maze was set up by a company called Cyberdrome Enterprises Ltd, who rented the space in this bowling alley and arcade. Interviews with the founders of Cyberdrome indicate that their dealings with leisure venues like this were much more tedious than their negotiations with procuring the Crystal Maze license from the TV company. The TV company were tough negotiators but ultimately they got on well. After all, the game was designed to promote the TV show. The arcade, however, saw the young Cyberdrome company as nothing more than so many pounds per square foot rental.
However, unlike the larger theme park, this particular location was open all year, and was somewhere to go on rainy days.
Not only did it have an arcade, bowling alley and the Crystal Maze itself, but it also had an eatery, bar, and a childrens play area, the remnants of which can be found at the front of the downstairs area.
There's a poster for a nearby music festival, Pembs Fest, which seems to be absurdly popular, and held in a castle. One wonders what the castles original occupants from centuries ago would think, but really, it looks amazing and I'd love to go.
In regards to the arcades eatery, reviews on trip advisor say that the food is minimal and overpriced, and also that the customer service was pretty wooden and somewhat lacking in spirit. The arcade machines would occasionally swallow money, and the toilets were grubby. Nothing quite as scathing as the trip advisor reviews for that Welsh pub I explored last year, but still not particularly good. The reviews do seem to indicate that there was a glory period of the arcade, when it was wonderful, but that it went downhill gradually.
The arcade has some impressive futuristic decor. I feel like I'm on a space ship.
The arcade machines have been mostly smashed to pieces. Perhaps the vandals are the same kids whose money the machines swallowed all those years ago, and they came back for revenge.
The machines are stacked up together, presumably ready to be carted off in someones van.
The bar is still intact!
One of those infuriating Claw machines that nobody ever wins at except Sid from Toy Story.
There's a little bit of graffiti in here. Just the usual stuff really. Cocks drawn by dicks.
An old leaflet stand.
The arcade came to an end.
Beyond this point is the Crystal Maze...
For anyone who doesn't know, the Crystal Maze was originally a TV show that aired between 1990 and 1995. It was originally hosted by the eccentric Richard O'Brien (Think Doctor Evil mixed with Cruella DeVille) and later by Edward Tudor Pole (Imagine Freaky Friday if instead of a mind-swap between mother and daughter, it was Blackadder and Simon Pegg).
The gameshow involved the host taking a team of contestants to four zones based on different eras, Aztec, Medieval, Industrial and Futuristic, although Industrial was later replaced with the Ocean Zone. The contestants would take part in some timed games. If they completed a game, they'd win a crystal. If the contestants time ran out with the game uncompleted, they'd be locked in, although they could simply give up and escape the game room if they felt that they'd not complete it in time. If they were locked in, their team mates could buy them out by surrendering a crystal.
However, each crystal retained was worth five seconds in the final round, where they would all enter a giant crystal and catch as many gold tickets as they could in the time permitted. So to free a team mate, it could ultimately be detrimental to the final round, and as such towards the end, some ruthless teams chose to leave their team mates trapped so that their final round wasn't a complete flop.
The former hosts of the show each have varying attitudes. Richard O'Brien said in an interview that he had to leave purely because he'd been doing it for four years and it would be best for his career to get out while he was ahead, while he was still remembered fondly, adding that if the show went downhill, so would his career. However, he says that he did enjoy it.
Whereas for Edward Tudor Pole it was evidently just a stepping stone. In a 2009 interview he said "I did it for five weeks about twelve years ago, and only watched one and a half episodes of the completed show, so I'm no expert on it." He also adds "Frankly, I wasn't sent to this world to present game shows."
I have to admit, if I was going to be the presenter of a game show, Crystal Maze would be it! The show was amazing. It's recent reboot is presented by Richard Ayoade, but frankly I'm jealous. I wish it was me. Or Tommy Wiseau...
Of course, this isn't the actual set of the Crystal Maze. This is a playable version called a Cyberdrome, although the actual set was possible to be rented out for a whopping £400 per person, which might sound crazy but makes even less value for money when one considers the possibility of being trapped in a game and not let out by the other team mates. The Cyberdrome, thankfully, was much more affordable, and altered in accordance to practicality. The actual set was the size of two football pitches, whereas the Cyberdrome was much more compact. Cyberdromes were actually set up all over the UK, and Japan and Dubai, but one by one they all closed down and as of 2007 this was the last one standing, although some contradictory sources say that the one in Dubai outlived it.
Players going around the Cyberdrome were given a swipe-card, which would apparently record their progress, and activate computer terminals, on which the mazes challenges could be played in a computer game format. Failure to complete a challenge in the time limit wouldn't result in being trapped, but would instead result in losing a crystal. Essentially it's the same effect as getting trapped in but let out instantly.
Likewise, the crystals obtained weren't physical, but digital, and recorded on the computer network.
This bridge leads into the maze over the Aztec Zone, which is below. But already one can see the incredibe detail and effort that has gone into this place.
The Cyberdrome was the brainchild of Carl Nicholson and David Owers, although to look at their careers, it comes as a massive departure from their usual work.
Nicholson studied physics in Oxford, whereas Owers studied engineering in Cambridge. The two men met at the Cranfield Institute of Technology where they both did a masters degree in maths and engineering. Their inspiration for the Cyberdrome came from the campus social club which had a computerised gaming table with monitors and push buttons accommodating up to four players. It occured to them that it could be vastly improved if it was networked with other gaming tables.
Shelving their idea to focus on their careers, the two parted ways with David Owers allegedly working for British Oxygen. Carl Nicholsons antics are a little more reliable, due to his LinkedIn profile. He ended up working for British Aerospace, as a spacecraft systems engineer and then a space systems consultant.
But the two were apparently reunited during a camping trip in Wales, and their earlier talks from their campus continued, this time looking at ways they could actually make something real out of their earlier idea.
Initially Nicholson wanted to make something with a Mad Max or Star Trek theme, but Owers brought him down to Earth with the costs and difficulty that would come with trying to get the licenses to do something based on these. Eventually they came up with their own unique concept, Dragon Quest. They built a model of their game to show potential investors and customers, and at each presentation they were met with the same response- "Oh, you mean like the Crystal Maze?"
These two men had never heard of the Crystal Maze, but they became intrigued, and went off to watch a few episodes.
Finding that their Dragon Quest was remarkably similar to the Crystal Maze, they realised that it was within their capabilities to build attractions based on the show. All they needed was the license to do so. Once that was obtained, the rest was history. According to Nicholsons LinkedIn profile, Cyberdrome Enterprises Ltd ran from 1990 to 2000, with eight Crystal Mazes built in that time, each with an operating life of roughly five years, although he does say that this particular one was still operating sixteen years later, while the one in Dubai lasted second longest at twelve years.
He says that Cyberdrome Enterprises ended in 2000 due to lack of orders and new investment, although it's likely that they still got money from the surviving Cyberdromes. However, they went on to different things. On David Owers, I have no idea. Nicholson, however, began working in Munich in 2002 as an engineer responsible for the design, installation, testing and training simulations of the Columbus Module, which is the European manned laboratory attached to the international space station.
Wow. I love that in between being ridiculously involved in the space program, he found the time to achieve his student dream, and create the Crystal Maze. That's such a cool story. It's like he just took time out of his career and said "When I was younger, I really wanted to do this, and now that I'm successful, I'm going to just do it." And then with his dreams achieved, he went back to the space program.
As for the running of the Cyberdrome, for copyright reasons they couldn't use Richard O'Briens image but instead replaced him with an onscreen guide called Merlin.
In 1994 Nicholson and Owers did admit that they wanted to move away from computerised challenges to more physical ones, saying that the biggest drawback was cost, space and maintenance.
Quite cleverly though, they made so many games on so many difficulty levels, that allegedly one would have to go around the maze about forty times in order to play every single challenge, so that it was always fresh for returning players.
After the game, the players didn't get prizes as such, but they did get a certificate, and they got to compare their score with other people who had played that day.
Apparently the Cyberdrome guys were occasionally tripped up by health and safety issues, and they did occasionally need to fork out £50 to £100 settlements for occasional cuts and bruises, although one managing director of a leisure company allegedly fell off a rope and sued the cyberdrome for loss of salary while he was off work recovering. Of this incident, the Cyberdrome guys seem to talk like it was all just a little petty, and that most of the players knew what they were getting into and had a great attitude towards it. They did occasionally get drunk teenagers who were less respectful of the environment but apparently this was never so bad as to be unmanageable.
The game worked well, managing complex flows of people around a small maze using a network of PCs, although they admit there were teething problems in the early days. But the system gave over a hundred people an hour and a half experience each that was personalised, without queuing or downtime for the adrenaline to drop. They say that the biggest challenge was the cost, and they also emphasise that modern technology such as Wii technology and smart phone interfaces would make it far better if it were to be created today.
Well, that sounds to me like they're still running the ideas around in their heads, and while they admit that the Crystal Maze attractions did see a decline in visitors in 1995 when the show stopped airing, nobody ever said that a Cyberdrome had to be Crystal Maze themed. With the idea clearly still rattling around in their heads, perhaps one day the Cyberdrome will once again become more than just a dream.
This is apparently the "Future" zone, although it seems more space themed than I remember the TV show being.
Here's an old game terminal, with the controls and screen still present.
This is one of the few physical games of the maze, which I happen to only have awful photos of, but basically loads of metal poles dangle from the ceiling. There's a disk on the floor and a button on the wall, but really, I'm not sure how this game would have played. At a glance one would think that the objective is to touch the button at the back without disturbing the dangling metal, but if this is anything like the Crystal Maze TV show, it's not going to be that simple.
A super fun slide leads down from the Future Zone into the Aztec Zone.
Another old computer terminal.
In my opinion, the Aztec zone was the most photogenic.
Moving on to the Ocean Zone, which isn't immediately identifyiable due to the fact that it's not very Ocean-like. On the original show, the Ocean Zone took place on a huge ocean liner, and it looked good, although in my opinion it didn't really fit with the time travel dynamic of the show, visiting different eras. Aztec, Future, Medieval and Industrial all work to that theme, but Ocean Zone doesn't. But due to being more aesthetically pleasing, it replaced the Industrial Zone.
The Ocean Zone has a statue of Poseidon that's been thrown down the stairs.
The games terminals were in little cupboards.
And presumably this was some sort of game, with the numbered water drops there on the wall. Perhaps they lit up in different orders and players had to remember the sequence.
Onto the Medieval Zone...
Wait, isn't this just Shrewsbury?
The photos came out pretty fuzzy but as you can see, there's a games terminal built into a tree stump next to a grave.
So with all four zones of the Crystal Maze covered, it was time to call it a day. But hang on... what's this???
It's a bowling alley!!!
Although no longer in use, there are some skittles still propped up!
And look! Bowling balls!
You're damn right we had a game. Naturally I sucked, but then it's not easy to go bowling in the dark. It sure was fun though!
That's it for the Crystal Maze.
The maze itself finally closed in 2010 due to expiry of the license from the TV company. By this point, the creators of Cyberdrome Enterprises had moved on, so the license was not renewed. The arcade and bowling alley closed in 2011, although as you can see, it still gets the occasional visit from an urban explorer.
What does the future hold for this place?
Well in 2014 the manager of the nearby theme park said that there is a five-year plan to get the theme park back to its former glory, and while this place does factor into those plans, it's on a much lower priority than the needs of the actual park. However, he says he's happy to listen if someone presents ideas, adding that obviously it's in the parks best interests to get this place back up and running.
Meanwhile, his five-year plan has so far resulted in the opening of an attraction called Neverland, as well as a soft play area. This place, meanwhile, gathers dust. The only people playing the Crystal Maze Cyberdrome now are rats and trespassers. In many ways, there's something oddly beautiful about an abandoned Crystal Maze, but I hope something productive eventually happens to this place.
For me, that's the end of the Crystal Maze adventure. That's another far away region where I've planted my metaphorical flag. I don't have literal ones yet, but when I do it'll probably depict my likeness shaved onto a pubic region or something.
My next blog will be a big derelict mansion somewhere far, far away. Until then, Like my Facebook page, follow my Instragram, subscribe to my Youtube and follow my Twitter.
Thank you for reading, if indeed you still are.
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